Lady Doctor by John WoodwarkI bought a pair of trousers yesterday which were very nearly comfortable.

This is streets ahead of any trouser-wearing experience I have had for two or three years. I have, as Luther so graphically explained, “a wide fundament to sit upon”, but that’s not the problem when I buy trousers.

The problem is that the clothing manufacturers are more than happy to cut six inches off the length of a pair of trousers at the waist while pretending it’s down to customer demand. This is ludicrous. It’s a collusion between cost-cutting manufacturers and a fashion industry run largely by gay men who are disgusted by any kind of feminine curve. As my grandmother would have said “I am the customer, and I demand waisted trousers”.

It’s hard to think what I have in common with gang-obsessed American teenage boys who like the jailhouse look, other than a shared need for oxygen. I certainly don’t like having to hitch my trousers up all the frigging time when I have a perfectly good waist that – with another 6″ of cloth – they could have been cut to sit upon.

I think the last time I bought a pair of comfortable trousers was in late 2000. Seven years.

Enough already.

I couldn’t resist re-offering you this painting by John Woodwark. Alas, my bottom is nowhere near as wonderful as hers. Is it just me, or doesn’t this painting just make you want to bite it?

12 responses to “Bummer

  1. Even when one can find a pair of breeks designed to cover ones navel, the makers seem to have forgotten that some of us still go in at the waist. If they fit round the seat and thighs, there’s about six inches too much material round the waist.

    What I’m still looking for is a pair of kick-ass jeans.

  2. Imagine the surprise when my 14-year old thin-as-a-reed daughter completely voluntarily came home recently from a shoppong trip with her Mother with high-waisted jeans??

    Said mother, my wife incidentally, would agree with you – I managed to get her a pair of Levis 550s in the US last week (favourite model for both of us). They’re quite alright – though she might actually sew them a bit in at the thighs if they don’t manage themselved after being washed.

  3. The thing I most often use my sewing machine for is putting in darts that remove 6 inches of the waist of trousers. I can’t decide if they think all women are tubular or if I have abnormally huge hips in relation to my waist.

  4. I agree! Hopefully, the thong-exposing trend will pass soon…

  5. I bought some high waisted jeans at Next last week and they are fabulous. I recommend checking out that cut of trousers; they aren’t high waisted enough to make me look like a granny, just enough to prevent me from flashing my bum crack to the world when I bend over to buckle the kids in the car.

  6. ‘Very nearly comfortable…’ Loved it. Waists of the world, rise up and cover your nakedness. Manufacturers, be very afraid. Love the picture and yes, you are so right about the biting. Am adding you to blogroll. Hope OK. Should have done it moths ago but trouser worries got in the way. (That excuse is so lame it practically arrived on crutches.).

  7. From the neck down on that painting, i get the whole biting thing. From the neck up, I want to run and hide.

  8. Actually I kind of like those hip-hugging jeans. The problem I have with buying trousers is that some selfish bastard manufacturers make them all the same fucking length! I’m thinking here specifically of Mango (not that I can shop there anymore now that I live in Crappyville, USA). How can it be that Mango is a Spanish shop (Spanish women are not exactly known for being statuesque) and, yet, they make all their trousers to fit 5’10” amazons? This means you have to end up paying ¬£5 extra for their instore “seamstress” people to take up the fucking hem. What a con!

  9. I’ve recently found more pants that fit appropriately, ie – have actual waists, and I’ve found if I buy petite sizes then the length isn’t so much of a problem, but “regular” sizes seem to be created for women with legs as long as my entire body, and it is infuriating. the whole “flash the world” low waist pants is definitely awful!

  10. I think we all are, Teuchter. Problem is that for a certain generation, Gloria Vanderbilts were both sexy and comfortable. And available. Hey ho.

    Santra, your daughter’s just given me hope that there may be some waisted light at the end of this hipster tunnel.

    Kelli, I’d willingly do that if I could find trousers with waists. Mine are all digging in to my hips.

    Mmmmm. You remind me of another horror, Patry.

    Thank you Omega Mum and welcome. I sneak by and adore your writing regularly.

    Glad it’s not just me with the biting thing Solomon, though I think the mask is pretty sexy as well.

    Ah, Slutty McWhore, you’ve hit another nail on the head.

    Courtney – where! I’ll accept anything at the moment.

    Thanks all for your comments and fellow-feeling.


  11. Ye gads it took me ages to find this – on the upside I found loads of your blog I have managed to miss by not being online as often any more…

    Anyhom, I am posting to say I finally know who M&S design their trousers for – women who are almost four months pregnant.

    I bought a pair of pedal-pushers (I think the younguns call them clam-diggers now) back in march, intending to wear them in the summer. I was fat but shedding post-baby #1 weight and as it turns out bought them in far too big a size. Then I found I was knocked up again and thought I may as well keep them. I have been wearing them since april with saftey pins taking about 3 inches off the waist. My bump is finally starting to make its presence felt and hey presto. They finally fit me around the waist.

    Seems a bit strange to design your women’s wear for such an odd demographic, but who am I to question it?

  12. Actually, I’ve realised that they are still a little too big on the waist and still far too big on the bum/hips and am well over four months pregnant now. It seems they don’t think women are tubular at all, they think we are egg-shaped.


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