Stockholm syndrome

Packed by weight not volumeI’m trying to get my brain back.

Recently I’ve had three extremely intense sets of things to think about.

  1. MTAS and MCC we all know about
  2. Work has been really full-on with a major deadline at the end of March
  3. I am also studying and had a rather grown-up assignment to submit, also by the end of March

It is now April, which is nice. Whan that aprill with his shoures soote the droghte of march hath perced to the roote and bathed every veyne in swich licour off which vertu engendred is the flour; an’ all that. The weather’s been lovely.

My brain is full. Being packed by weight not volume, everything in it is trying to settle. It wasn’t helped that I came straight off my Easter “break” (spent writing up stuff that had barely settled down unfortunately) had one normal day at work (which was preceded by only three hours’ sleep) and went straight into a two day training course.

I don’t have a mind of my own any more. I’ve lost the ability to think, which is why I’ve been recycling my hard-drive here on my blog. I’ve lost the ability to kick back and chill. Everything that I’ve done in the last three months, actually make that everything I have done in the last five months, which was not work or studying was only justifiable because it was respite from work or studying. (Other than the MCC / MTAS stuff which was personal in a different way).

I no longer need to have the word “should” in my internal dialogue and I feel rather disorientated without it. What? I can sit in the sun and read trashy paperbacks, and that’s OK? I can weed the garden? I can swim? Go for a walk? Go out on the lash?

(The junior doctors of course live like this all the time, but that is one of the many reasons I am not now and never have been a junior doctor).

Without the word “should” to steer me, I feel a bit adrift. I do have other shoulds that I’ve been putting off until after Easter: building a book-case, finding suitable guttering, buying a sofa. But as well as feeling a bit adrift, I want to have nothing to do for a while.

But the odd and worrying thing is that I am so used to the mantra “should be studying” running underneath every single thing that I’ve been doing for the last six months that I cannnot think in terms of not studying. I’ve spent a lot of this week researching professional exams and checking out books for when I pick up my studies again after the summer.

I’ve got Stockholm syndrome.

5 responses to “Stockholm syndrome

  1. My brain gets fogged-up with the mere mundanities of daily life – never mind some of the heavy stuff you’ve been dealing with recently – though I do still vaguely remember the feeling of not knowing what to do with myself after months of studying for final exams.

  2. Well done to you for getting through it all. That alone must be an amazing feeling. I do understand how it feels to live with a permanent imperative and what a release it is to have a break. Hope you can use it!

  3. I still don’t get it – who’s the Stockholmer?

  4. OK, I’ve got it now. I’ve skipped your first sentence.

  5. Pingback: I Aten’t Dead « Aphra Behn - danger of eclectic shock

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