The search for my own true swear-word

Been there, done that, used stronger expletives! (I assume you know just how obscene the word “carob” is to a true chocoholic).
Archie, to Reed, on losing a post without saving it.

So what makes a good swear-word? Personally I think it’s the sound of the thing. If it was obscenity alone, one could say “what a complete blairing fool that man is”. Well, when I put it like that, maybe “blair” does work.

My favourite piece of invective came from a friend who has a first in Classics, and who was applying for a post-grad degree at Cambridge. That is Cambridge as in Cambridge, not Cambridge as in The Fenland University or whatever the former poly is called these days. So, hardly uneducated or illiterate, this chap. As it turned out, he did not take very kindly to the academics there. The phrase he used was “fucking cunting twats”. As invective goes, I find that hard to beat, and I think it is the sequence of consonants that makes it so effective, the two K sounds, then the two very hard Ts. The rhythm helps of course.

So I think a good swear word needs good constonants. One could really spit out the tories’ names: “Thatch the snatch” is too obvious to mention, and how satisfying to call someone “total tebbitty bastard” or describe someone else as “a heseltining wanker”. And as for the bottomleys. ‘Nuff said.

But this means that “Bush” and “Blair”, fucking cunting twats and complete tebbitty bastards though they undoubtedly are, don’t actually make the grade as obscenities.

Yet another reason to hate them.

Such a shame.

7 responses to “The search for my own true swear-word

  1. One of my favourite swearie insults is “blooterie fuck-pig”. Hard consonants are definitely required for satisfying invective .

  2. I forget how I found your blog, but you’re bookmarked because honey you make me LAUGH!!!!!! My most used, which is hardly out there (I have being a mommy in my background which tempered the mouth over the years) “bullshit.” More soft than hard, but hey, when I say it, folks pay attention (esp the family)

  3. Is why I have taken to referring to our esteemed heads of governance as ‘Misbegotten Monkey-Boy’ and ‘Arse’. Because I like the word ‘misbegotten’ and because both are so much easier to fit into long strings of cursing first thing in the morning when being woken by the news on Radio 4.

    >>>how satisfying to call someone ”total tebbitty bastard” or describe someone else as ”a heseltining wanker”.>>>


  4. “blooterie fuck-pig” is pure class. A gift you’ve given me there, Teuchter.

    Glad to be of service Tammy.

    “Misbegotten Monkey-boy” does suit him, doesn’t it, Reed. Have you found the genius who resides here: (aka You Are Sleeping).

    Thanks all for your kind comments.


  5. Have just spent the last ten minutes laughing uproariously at the above link.
    That is some of the most creative swearing I’ve seen in a long time.

  6. Isn’t it FABULOUS? I can’t decide if I prefer the slogans or the invective.



  7. I’ve just remembered another invective you might enjoy – “moluccan pastors”.

    It was coined round about the time a bunch of them held a train to ransom in the Netherlands, possibly late 70s or early 80s.

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